SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On weekday afternoons along Man-of-War Boulevard, commuters in the Bennington Vale and Santa Calcetines are treated to a variety of street performances put on by aspiring artists from San Narciso College. But Monday, curiosity and amusement turned to terror as a young mime suffocated to death before a gathering of horrified onlookers who were helpless to extricate him from an invisible box.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Concealed by a canopy of massive eucalyptus trees that line Bennington Vale’s Andover tract is Donkey Dell Park -- a forgettable, squalid, dingy patch of grass that had its sod laid before construction of the first homes began in the late 1960s. While most residents in San Narciso visit the county’s sprawling recreational areas to swim, play tennis, exercise, ride horses or just enjoy a warm day in a beautiful setting, the teens of Bennington Vale seldom stray from Donkeydell Park. Despite its unfortunate name -- the origins of which have remained a source of dispute and mystery for decades -- Donkeydell endures as a nostalgic oasis for neighborhood millennials. The park happens to be the fetid, nasty place where most of them lost their virginity -- and where, according to their parents, they were also conceived. But government officials want to close it down. Local millennials refuse to let that happen without a fight.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- San Narciso County loves a parade. Unfortunately, these affairs often end in panic, arson, animal cruelty, religious offense, accusations of racism and bloodshed. We painfully recall the rash of self-inflicted gunshot wounds and hangings that accompanied the botched Valentine’s Day “Misery Loves Company” event. Then there came the urgent demand to cancel a mime troupe from performing at the 2016 Christmas Parade, given the lawful right of residents to carry weapons in public -- a mandate that arrived tragically late. Of course, few of us will ever forget Mayor Manny DiPresso’s heart-wrenching, Hindenburg-esque speech during the parade’s terrifying conclusion: “My dreams will forever be haunted by the sound of children screaming, dogs heaving and the eerie, guttural retching of the mule before it vomited out one of its internal organs.” It should then come as no surprise that parents summoned police to Friday’s pageant at Our Lady of Perpetual Whapping, called “St. Patrick Beats the Naughty Snakes from Ireland’s Trousers.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- For that odd one percent of the Bennington Vale’s unwed yet heterosexual population, Valentine's Day often marks a pensive evening of frozen dinners, cheap wine and a literary journey from “50 Shades” to Sylvia Plath. But don’t blame a dead saint. Esther Howland is your culprit. You see, back in 1847, this woman took what most considered to be another minor day of veneration and began mass producing embossed paper-lace hearts, the kind she’d seen in Europe, using the resources of her father’s book and stationery store in Worcester, Mass. The rest, they say, is history. A troubled, bleak, emotionally turbulent history of crushed spirits to honor a business bonanza that savages the hearts of the lovelorn. Fortunately, we at The Evening Transcript have reached out across the community to find some lovely things to fill in the hole where your heart should have been. It’s better than sticking your head in an oven, we promise.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Nearly 20,000 people have been evacuated since Sunday, when California’s Oroville Dam reached capacity and threatened catastrophic flooding. The spillway, which acts to prevent overflows by diverting excess water, was reported to be on the cusp of collapse. On February 10, sensing the imminent danger to property and life, Governor Jerry Brown appealed directly to the White House for issuance of a Presidential Major Disaster Declaration. However, the president did not respond for three days. But late Monday evening, Trump finally contacted Brown to say that building a wall to stop the flood of Mexican terrorists is more important than fixing a dam to stop an actual flood in a “terrible, terrible place like California."

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump campaigned on many controversial commitments, which he seems intent on fulfilling through a sweeping series of executive orders. During his first week in office, Trump has penned actions to loosen Affordable Care Act provisions, create a Muslim registry, authorize construction of a wall along the Mexico border, declare martial law on Chicago and eliminate “sanctuary cities,” the latter of which elicited a bizarre response from the president: “I’ve seen ‘Logan’s Run’ on TV a million times; I love the idea of Carousel, maybe adding Muslims to the list, but sanctuary is a terrible lie. Why force taxpayers to fund a myth? You know, that D.C. hasn’t crumbled into ruins?” While some orders seem dubious to enforce, Trump’s gutting of environmental protections could come to fruition. Unlike the repeal of Obamacare, the president did offer a replacement -- a “climate-friendly energy plan” that he said would create jobs, restore a dying industry and provide low income families with affordable fuel: clean burning whale oil.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The small Amish enclave in San Narciso’s Kinneret Hills was rattled this Christmas by the discovery of Tourette syndrome in one of its teens, according to reports from the community’s local paper and a physician who resides near “Amish Acres,” as the area is called by neighboring residents. Tourette’s is a congenital neuropsychiatric disorder characterized by physical spasms and peculiar vocal tics, which can include profanity, derogatory remarks and socially unacceptable outbursts. In an interesting corollary, Rep. Tom Price (R-Ga.), Trump’s appointee for the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS), said the incident -- and the community’s handling of it -- revealed the fallacy of social medical programs. Price has long sought to dismantle Obamacare and replace Medicare with a voucher system. “The Amish, stunned as they are by the offensive outbursts of a child, are handling the situation as real Americans should,” Price said. “They’re tolerating it, placing the infirm pariah in quarantine and praying for God’s assistance -- not the taxpayers’.”

F. Chester Greene is a prominent local businessman, Republican Party leader, community leader, NRA member and write-in presidential candidate.

EDITORIAL (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- This past weekend, the impressionable youngsters of Bennington Vale and its surrounding communities, with the exception of North Viaduct, eagerly anticipated the discovery of gifts under Santa’s tree at the annual CHRISTmas Parade -- an event I took great pains in helping to plan, but which an insidious faction of fifth columnists perverted behind the scenes. What our children found instead of goodies were carnage and the cruel remnants of religious intolerance from a liberal insurgency of anti-American Clinton supporters -- most likely from the, let’s say, more diverse North Viaduct area. This “colorful lot” turned joy into disaster as the festivities spiralled into an abyss of injuries and rioting, reminiscent of the German Love Parade stampede in July and the Walmart closure in May for renovations. City officials attributed the problems to the inadequate disposal of medical needles, misprinted signage and the horrifying presence of the “Holiday Man.”

PUBLIC SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- It’s that magical time of year again! And just as our Dear Leader Donald Trump will make America Great Again, your San Narciso County Police Department, in conjunction with San Narciso County Chamber of Commerce, wants to restore the greatness and safety of your post-Obama holiday season. The Annual Bennington Vale Christmas Parade is scheduled for Saturday, December 3, 2016. Sidewalks CANNOT be reserved with personal property until 5:00 p.m. or 5:30 p.m. if center medians are used. Such property includes tables, American flags large enough to drift into the floats, crosses over four feet in height, cross set ablaze (fire officials have canceled this patriotic display due to anticipated wind conditions), unattended children, domestic housekeeping staff, migrant landscapers and the elderly. The parade route spans Maxwell Street, Cape Horn Avenue and Tragic Courier’s Way, ending at Lake Inverarity’s Fangoso Lagoons. The event begins at 6:00 p.m and concludes at 9:00 p.m., with streets reopening 40 minutes later. A complete set of rules follows.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- For a sixth horrifying year, the San Narciso County Chamber of Commerce will host the community’s annual Haunted House Spooktacular, which opens Monday at 6:00 p.m. in the Lake Inverarity Social Hall. In years past, the event has drawn more police and paramedics than Halloween thrill-seekers. The 2015 Spooktacular was shuttered after three short hours of operation. Problems arose when parents failed to exercise caution by bringing along children under the age of 12. The theme for last season’s ghastly tour was “Death Panel: American Nightmares,” a politically charged horror show that envisioned a chilling apocalypse of socialism and forced euthanasia unleashed by a mysterious Kenyan serving as a U.S. president. Undaunted, the Chamber of Commerce will push forward this week with a new attraction that White House hopeful Donald Trump has deemed the scariest, most prophetic nightmare any conservative will experience this All Hallow’s Eve -- especially those who cherish family values, Jesus, patriotism and legal citizenship.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- This weekend through Monday, many neighborhoods in the county will receive ghostly visitors in the form of trick-or-treaters. Bennington Vale and Santa Calcetines will likely host the lion’s share of these candy seeking goblins. Halloween should be a spooky, thrilling and safe holiday. For that reason, the San Narciso Police Department is reminding residents that continuing illicit Halloween traditions can be dangerous and may result in jail time. Some individuals, in past All Hallow’s Eve celebrations, have engaged in dangerous behaviors that include “hogging,” hamster juggling (a zero-tolerance offense) and the reprehensible creation of “jack-ov-lanterns” -- a sick practice started two years ago by Russian exchange students that involves bodily defiling pumpkins, which will be considered a biohazard and a flagrant act of terrorism. Following is a complete list of Do’s and Don’ts to ensure that you have the best Halloween ever!

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- This Monday, many U.S. citizens paid tribute to the day when indigenous native Americans discovered an inept Italian adventurer lost at sea with a small fleet of Spanish ships. That navigationally challenged captain was Christopher Columbus, whose voyage to India landed him in North America on October 12, 1492. In San Narciso County, the annual Columbus Day reenactment ceremonies have bolstered the local economy with an influx of Southern Californians who gather at the Battersea Field in Kinneret to enjoy a variety of beverages, delicacies and the Integration of the Indigenous Peoples commemoration. Every year, demonstrators -- primarily historians from the college -- attempt to protest the ceremony. However, after learning that Donald Trump would be attending the festivities, Mayor Manny DiPresso increased security and issued warnings that all women actors dressed as squaws wear long, fully closed costumes in lieu of revealing loincloths.

EDITORIAL: Why Do We Continue to Glorify Beggars Every October 31?

By F. Chester Greene, 2016 write-in Republican presidential candidate

Halloween, to the families of the Greatest Generation, was a jovial celebration of the harvest. Reaping the fruits of our hard labors. An innocent day of mirth, confections and good-natured displays of dress-up. But it has since become a truly horrifying affair. That’s why, as the write-in Republican candidate for the 2016 presidential election, I urge real American patriots to abandon this now depraved holiday, which sends a terrifying message to the nation’s impressionable youth: that grubby costumed beggars looking for handouts will be rewarded.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Halloween should be a spooky, thrilling and safe holiday event for children in San Narciso County. For that reason, the San Narciso Police Department is warning residents that continuing illicit Halloween traditions can be dangerous and may result in jail time. Some residents, as part of celebrating All Hallow’s Eve, have been engaging in dangerous behaviors that include “hogging,” hamster juggling (a no-tolerance offense) and the reprehensible creation of “jack-ov-lanterns” -- a sick practice started two years ago by Russian exchange students that involves bodily defiling pumpkins, which will be considered not only a biohazard but a flagrant act of terrorism. Following is a complete list of Do’s and Don’ts to ensure that you and yours have the best Halloween ever!

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Today, many citizens across the nation will observe the arrival of Christopher Columbus to American shores, a voyage that concluded on October 12, 1492. For others, it's a remembrance of how North America's indigenous people discovered a geographically challenged sailor lost at sea. The holiday has been celebrated unofficially since the late 18th century, and officially since the early 20th century. In San Narciso County, the annual Columbus Day reenactment ceremonies are widely considered among the most accurate, although they have been branded by progressive and conservative detractors as too racist and, ironically, not racist enough. Still, the event bolsters the local economy with an influx of Southern Californians who gather at the Battersea Field in Kinneret to enjoy a variety of beverages, delicacies and the Integration of the Indigenous Peoples commemoration.

Opposition to the Integration of the Indigenous Peoples Celebration

Since the 1970s, San Narciso County has staged an elaborate historical reenactment of Columbus' critical role in bringing what the Ayn Rand Institute called “reason, science, self-reliance, individualism, ambition and productive achievement” to a people who were based in “primitivism, mysticism and collectivism.”

In the Integration of the Indigenous Peoples ceremony, volunteers dressed as sparsely equipped Native Americans fight a horde of armored and heavily weaponed European soldiers. After about four minutes, Columbus and his armies leave the bloody field to the delight of the crowd, ushering in an era of progress, freedom and equality for all Americans. The five surviving Indians then serve visitors food and drink while passing out flyers that encourage, among other seemingly unrelated things, heterosexual rights, outsourced overseas labor and a movement to officially ban Catholicism from classification as a Christian sect.

Criticizing those who oppose the festivities, Mayor DiPresso said: “Unfortunately, a small group of liberal protesters and misguided Native American sympathizers from outside the county has chosen to defile the true birth of our nation by claiming that Columbus Day celebrates an American genocide.”

In reality, Christopher Columbus represents opportunity, free trade and liberation from the shackles of corrupt monarchies, DiPresso emphasized.

“Sure, there were a few casualties, but on both sides; I find it hard to believe Columbus was greeted as a liberator. And we all know how that plays out,” the mayor added. “Also, Columbus thought he'd landed in India. If we staged a modern interpretation of the event, where Columbus brings down the world capital of outsourcing and the loss of American jobs, I bet everyone would be on board. I think these planned demonstrations are a bit hypocritical. The only protests that could possibly make sense would come from those upset about Columbus attempting to trounce the prevailing religious beliefs of the region by replacing them with some weird system of faith -- this is a Protestant land, after all, not some pagan tribal council or Catholic playground for those who want to help the poor."

2015. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. See disclaimers.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- September 19 celebrates the swashbuckling spirit of high-seas adventures each year as International Talk Like a Pirate Day. For millions of scoundrels and fo’c’sle swabs, that means donning eyepatches, 17th century frock coats, ornate tricorn hats, plastic hooks and cutlasses, and pledging allegiance to the skull and crossbones of a Jolly Roger. Several businesses partake of the festivities, too. This Saturday, the popular doughnut chain Krispy Kreme is offering a free glazed treat to any landlubber willing to order in the parlance of Blackbeard or Long John Silver. For truly scurvy wenches, scallywags and blackguards who arrive adorned in full pirate garb, Krispy Kreme surrenders a bounty of a dozen doughnuts. However, panic erupted near San Narciso’s waterfront district this morning when hardcore enthusiasts raided the usually low-key bakery and coffeehouse dressed as armed Somali pirates.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As summer approaches, California is preparing to enter its fourth year of a record-breaking and potentially devastating drought. Concerns voiced by state lawmakers and emergency management officials about the crisis led Gov. Jerry Brown to declare a state of emergency. But this week, despite lackluster conservation efforts and voluntary rationing, some of Southern California’s largest cities managed to exceed the state’s cutback goals. “California still leads the nation in unemployment,” one assemblyperson noted. “Our long-term jobless have been forced to eliminate a lot of luxuries and extraneous bills from their lives to stave off poverty. The silver lining is that their inability to keep the water on is working wonders for our attempts to lower consumption and usage levels.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- San Narciso County ushered in St. Patrick’s Day 2015 with yet another controversy, prompting Mayor Manny DiPresso to add this holiday to a growing list of celebrations that council members may soon abolish. In 2011, the festivities were overshadowed by an inflammatory speech given by a theology student, in which St. Patrick was accused of being a church assassin sent to destroy the polytheistic culture of Ireland. Tensions further escalated when the Catholic Church attempted to prohibit gays from marching in the parade. At that time, Father Preternature -- who presides over the county’s only Catholic congregation -- defended his decision, saying, “First off, [homosexuals] already have their own parade. Second, St. Patrick’s Day is a religious holiday, not an ideological movement.” Preternature enraged the mayor’s office for implying that gays had infiltrated the community. This Monday, Preternature again found himself cross with the law after parents summoned Child Protective Services to a children’s pageant he produced called “St. Patrick Beats the Naughty Snakes from Ireland’s Trousers.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A larger-than-usual gathering of Catholics celebrating Ash Wednesday yesterday wreaked havoc among the community's predominantly white Evangelical Protestant population. According to Mike Fallopian, Yoyodyne executive and chairman of the conservative Peter Pinguid Society, the problem began with an incident at the area Whole Foods. "At first I wasn't sure what I was seeing," Fallopian explained. "These three women were standing in line with dirt smeared all over their faces. Normally, when you politely tell a person she has something on her face, she discreetly wipes it away and thanks you. Not so much on Ash Wednesday, it turns out." Managers at Whole Foods also found the observance alien, mistaking the women for unwashed vagrants who had wandered in from Hobo Gardens, the county's segregated transient community. When the women were refused service over hygiene concerns, an altercation erupted that required police intervention.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- If you live in Bennington Vale and fall into that odd one percent of the city's unwed yet heterosexual population, then February 14 can present an understandably bleak outlook. St. Valentine would probably agree. According to legend, Valentine refused to deny Christ at the exhortations of Emperor Claudius in the year 280. For this, he had his head lopped off. But not before he restored hearing and sight to the jailer's daughter. Heck of a guy. Has that "Green Mile" feel to it. It's an inspiring story; deeds most worthy of canonization. But that's not why so many people will be reading "The Bell Jar" by candlelight alone this Saturday evening. Esther Howland is why.